Updated: Mar 26
There are certain behaviours, patterns and tendencies that show up in our friendships and romantic relationships which we can become accustomed to.
Sometimes we are taught by Hollywood movies that these are normal, or that they are actually a sign of love.
Feelings of inadequacy, fear and insecurity can trigger people to behave in jealous and controlling ways towards their romantic partners and friends.
"I don't like it when you talk to Sandra / John / Whatever", or even controlling behaviours such as checking the other person's phone or being very suspicious of another's behaviour.
These are in no way a sign of love, nor do they create closeness and intimacy between two people.
When these feelings and subsequent behaviours remain unconscious, and when a person is unable to take full responsibility for their own feelings and examine them, the other person in the relationship can start to feel guilty for wanting to have other friends in their life except their romantic partner.
So how do we deal with insecurity without becoming jealous, needy, controlling or act out in immature ways towards our partner?
If you believe in yourself, your value, the connection you have with your partner, their intentions and honesty, there is no more a need to control, posses or make sure they only connect with people you feel comfortable with.
Knowing that connection and love are freedom to give love and be loved by the other, and that fear and insecurity usually cause disconnection, can help us increase our own awareness and maturity in times when we are triggered.
If you are on the receiving end of your partner's jealousy and insecure expressions, it can be helpful to tell them how much you love them, value your connection together, and express that their jealous and controlling ways, even if they only show up occasionally, do not create and further your intimacy, but rather create blocks to it.
However in the end, it is up to each and every person to do the inner work required and to achieve some level of self-awareness and self-control so that insecurity, fear, jealousy and control do not end up ruling our relationships, instead of love.
We can encourage others to pay attention and increase their awareness, find more healthy and mature ways to deal with their feelings, but we cannot do it for anyone.
"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." - Buddha